I disappear better than Houdini...

..seriously. I do.  Sometimes I feel like a snow globe - like someone just tilted me upside and shook.  Shit goes flying everywhere and then I'm scattered and lost.  The joys of a person with obsessive compulsive disorder who is overwhelmed. 

I know I'm the recipe guru, the girl with the book in her hand and the crazy dogs who drive me nuts. But sometimes, I realize in the scheme of life, how small I am.  And how LOUDLY that makes me talk.  I speak loudly and act assertive to ensure that I'm part of the big picture.  I often feel forgotten in the shuffle...like poor Maukaley Calkin in Home Alone. They legit FORGOT his ass.  And got to Paris (and next, New York) before going...son of a bitch.  That's how I feel. Forgotten. Lost in the shuffle.  I'm the "oh shit" moment.  The loud, assertive me is never lost...just scorned, disliked and attacked.  Ah, well.  That part of me is okay with it.  But the part of me with feelings? I feel lost.

Finally understanding my issues with OCD is freeing, yet terrifying.  For years I just said, "I Like It Clean. I Like It This Way." I was the crazy bitch.  Now I say, "Listen. I HAVE to vacuum each spot twice, twice a day. I HAVE to fold laundry a CERTAIN way.  I HAVE to. If I don't, I lose control."  I feel like my ownership of my problem is like taking responsibility for an action, it's fulfilling, but has surprising consequences...I'm still working on those - and how this issue effects my marriage.

I physically cried in public today. Joy. How lovely and embarrassing.  My professor was discussing suicide - and not being kind.  While I may have not been in the in circle with the people who committed suicide, I was a friend.  And it hurts knowing someone is gone for good.  It's almost 5 years later and it still bugs me that nothing could have been done.  But to stand in front of a classroom and be flippant and rude about it? That destroys me.  The "strong, white female" that all of us (even you guys!) have lurking inside - with the finger snaps, stilettos and attitude - was shattered.  How delightfully repugnant.  October has been a hard month for the past 5 years...the 25 and 26 of this month always LOOM at me - glare over September like, "hah! We're coming!!"  I don't lock myself away and mourn anymore...and I don't drink until I don't remember.  I just...don't. A horrific suicide and a tragic unnecessary, medically preventable death within two days...I don't know how I got through it at 19...I don't know how I continue to not deal with it and get through it at 24.  Probably the same way I continue not to deal with my grandfather dying and feeling abandoned, as well as my father essentially disregarding me my whole life.  I just...don't.

In other news NOT about my boring third world existence in which I feel about thisbig I tried a new recipe for buns (like, hamburger buns).  Basically, go to my archives and use the saaaammme recipe I used for stromboli and pat them into small balls after the bread machine cycle, let them rise for 40 minutes in a warm, damp place and then brush the tops with either egg wash or melted butter. Bake at 350 for 20-35 minutes. YUM!

See you soon?  Probably....Fall break is next week and I'll have lots of time to bake and blog <3

'Til then...